Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
