I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
