I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
