Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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