That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
