I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
