I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
