I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
