Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
