Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
