I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
