No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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