At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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