areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
