I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
