the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
