I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
