xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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