I'm laying in your front yard are you home
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
