I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
