I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
