I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
