I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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