I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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