I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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