How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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