I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
