I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
