what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
