I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I want to have your abortion
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
