Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
