this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
