I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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