she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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