that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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