Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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