So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I FOUND THE LEGS
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
