Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
