I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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