just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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