i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
