I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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