i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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