I have demons in me.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
