The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
