The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
