Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
