first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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