The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
