can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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